Greetings Manic Fans. Les here today to talk about
......wait! wait!...I know everyone else here has posted a review, so I’m not going to do the tired old “IT WAS THE MOST AWESOME COMIC BOOK HERO FILM OF ALL TIME(which it was, but I digress.....)....
No, I’ve another idea, my friends. I’m not going to review the film at all! Instead, I’m going to give an account of why all the other Marvel Heroes who reside in New York were absent from the cataclysmic events that occurred at the end of the film in which The Avengers had to take care of business alone.
There’s a lot of heroes to cover, so Here...We....GO!
Probably the most obvious omission from the chaos, since he works at what was, essentially, ground zero for this event and would’ve noticed the attack of the Chituari.
Actually, he WAS there. He was just getting back home to MJ, having sold more photos to the Bugle when the first strike hit and buried their apartment in rubble. As his part in the script was written by Joe Quesada, he made a deal with Mestipho to save her life at the cost of not helping the Avenger’s fight the invasion....after all....it’s not like he’d undo it by making another deal with Mestipho to save Aunt May at the cost of forgetting he was married, right?....oh, wait...ooh!...um....awkward.....
Our favorite blind defense attorney/vigilante superhero working in Hell’s Kitchen was taking a nap in his isolation tank and never knew anything was amiss...Boy was HE surprised when he woke up LOL!
Was in Hollywood killing Jennifer Garner’s agent
The Fantastic 4
Reed Richards and the gang were in Hollywood shooting some promotional videos for the team at the insistence of
(Who in no way resembles Captain Steve Rogers.......)
Even with the Fantasticar, they still didn’t arrive in time to help in the fight.
X-Men/Brotherhood of Mutants
was still dead thanks to Brett Ratner......
Jean Grey/Dark Phoenix
was still dead thanks to Brett Ratner.....
was in Cerebro attempting to locate new mutants to recruit and was mentally in Interlaken, Belize and Johannisberg and was unaware of the threat going on....oh, no, wait...my mistake....he was still dead thanks to Brett Ratner(OK, technically he’d transferred his soul into the mindless patient being cared for my Moira McTaggart, but...still....DAMN YOU BRETT RATNER.....DAAAAAAMN YOUUUUU!!!!!!!(Charlton Heston voice)
was just another civilian having taken the cure, and might as well have been dead thanks to Brett Ratner(see a pattern here, my friends?)
were in an extended danger room session that, ironically was putting them through an alien invasion of New York City....ironic, no?
was in Africa negotiating a treaty at the behest of the United Nations and missed out on all the fun.
Actually, I have no idea where he is, since he hasn't been seen since X-2: United......(insert your own Brett Ratner curse here....)
was in San Francisco playing chess with old men and slowly attempting to regain his powers back THANKS TO MOTHER F#$*ING BRETT RATNER!!!!!!
was in Washington DC stuck without her powers
....yada yada yada...Brett Ratner.....
OK...OK....I’ll say it....X-Men 3: The Last Stand destroyed damn near everything that made X-Men great.....and unfortunately, I can’t use the characters from First Class, because they’re back in 1962....DAMN!.....
Yeah, I don’t know anything about this character...sorry, I’ll defer to ComicBookCast, TheDVDGrouch and Writrzblok if they have any theories for this hero.
Yeah, I don’t know anything about this one, either...and Marvel Studios hasn’t made his film yet, so, once again, I defer to the comic book masters mentioned above for his exclusion in the fight.
Was off planet surfing the cosmos with
....they had pancakes for breakfast.
And that’s my account for the Marvel Heroes not involved in the Chitauri Battle with the Avengers in New York City.
I hope this article was informative and entertaining. Do you have any theories about this, or any heroes I missed? I’d love to hear your ideas, my friends. Peace.
P.S. Santa Christ is the intellectual property of Rob and Doug Walker of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com, and I’ve borrowed it, hopefully, with the utmost respect for them and gratitude for creating such an awesome character.