Greetings Manic fans. You’ll never believe what happened to me last night! I was cruising the Las Vegas strip......
*picture shimmers to harp crescendoes*
Les is club hopping and has settled in the Bar at Times Square at New York New York when suddenly....
Mr. S: Hey Les!-I thought I saw you there.
LES: Mr. Smooth! Nice to see you, my friend.
Mr. S: I’m glad I caught you. I’m ready to help you do your Top 12 list of Bond Girls.
LES: Oh...um...actually, I just posted it-sorry, but ThatCanadianGuy answered my call for a collaboration already....
Mr.S: What? YOU DID BOND GIRLS WITHOUT ME?! What next, you're going to do The Top 12 Bond Pick Up lines with Big Black Hat Man?!
LES: Well, no....I’m working on a Behind the Webcam with BigBlackHatMan...so...Wait a minute!....We could do Top 12 Bond Pick Up lines right now, couldn’t we?
Mr.S: Why not. Maybe I could teach you something about talking to the ladies.
LES: Oh really? I always let my piano playing and singing do my seduction for me, but you've intrigued me, my friend. Of course James Bond always has a suave and witty comment to make for any situation, so alright! let's talk about out 12 favorite Bond Pick up lines. As you are Mr. Smooth, you first:
6. Miss Caruso: “Such a delicate touch.”
James Bond: “Sheer magnetism, darling.”
(Live And Let Die)
Mr. S: Now, we all hate Roger Moore, the smug, wife, boat and James Bond role stealing bastard that he is, but in his only somewhat bearable outing as James Bond in Live And Let Die, he was beating the ladies off with a stick. Picture the scene, you've just been visited by your commanding officer asking about the whereabouts of an Italian secret agent, and then you're given a magnetic watch. And what does James Bond do? Why he spouts this fabulous one-liner and unzips the ladies dress. What a guy.
LES: Yeah, out of all the things he can use the watch for....he unzips a dress...that’s class, for sure. I have a feeling I like Roger Moore a little bit more than you do, but that’s just me, my friend. In any event, it’s a great scene and an even better line.
Here, try this one....
6. James Bond: "Exercise control, 007 here...I'll report in an hour..”
Linda holds 2 champagne glasses. "Won't you join me?"
Bond smiles, picks up the phone again..."Better make that 2 hours."
(The Living Daylights)
LES: The first great line of Timothy Dalton in the James Bond films. He’s just intercepted the assassin who just “retired” agent 006 and 3 SAS officers by jumping on top of the getaway jeep....cutting through the canvas roof and forcing the jeep through the barrier and off the edge to sail out over Gibraltar....he uses his parachute to escape right before it explodes....burning shrapnel starts destroying his chute and he happens upon a large Yacht where Linda is on the phone complaining to Margo how “There's nobody here but playboys and tennis pros.....If only I could find a real man!” When Bond lands on top of the canopy. He drops down and takes her phone away “She’ll call you back.” Then dials exercise control to report in....Linda isn’t stupid and takes full advantage of the real man who just dropped in.
Mr. S: In my opinion, Timothy Dalton never really seemed comfortable with all of the witty one-liners that James Bond fans had come to expect, but man does he pull this one off to perfection, with a smooth charm and sophistication which had been sorely lacking in the last few films. And this is just such a classic Bond set up, he parachutes onto a strange woman’s yacht, and she just decides to “spend some quality time” with him. But then again, if James Bond parachuted onto your yacht, could anyone resist?
Then again, listen to this one......
5. Tracy: “Suppose I were to kill you for a thrill?”
Bond: “I can think of something more sociable to do.”
(On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)
Mr. S: GEORGE LAZENBY IS A GOD! He’s by far my favourite Bond, so of course I had to sneak in one of his many pick-up lines. A woman points a gun at him and all he can say is “Forget that, why don’t we just do it?” Pure genius! And let’s be honest, this is the best romance all together in any Bond film, even though in the end all of these lines leave a somewhat bitter taste in the mouth due to the depressing climax to this wondrous couple. You really did have all the time in the world… (cries)
LES: Yeah....they....really......d.d...*sniff....wipes a manly tear from my eye.....AHEM!......so sad....WAAAAAAA!!!!!!........
5 minutes later:
LES: James Bond was always at his best when facing a gun held on him by a Bond Girl, but Lazenby’s Bond handled it the best in this scene. Good call, my friend.
And how about a toast that’s a great Bond pick up line?.....
5. James Bond: "Here's to this moment....and the moment to come"
(The man with the golden gun)
LES: Yeah, I know you hate Roger Moore as Bond, but you have to love screenwriter Tom Mankeweitz for the dynamite lines he writes. Here, Bond is having dinner with MI6 agent Mary Goodnight, and makes a toast over a glass of Phuyuck(an excellent vintage....er...) The serious look he gives her as he speaks this line with just a hint of mischief....is it any wonder she shows up at his room in a negligee later? I think not!
Mr. S: I have real mixed feelings about The Man with the Golden Gun, I hate Roger Moore, yet I can’t help but think that Scaramanga is one of the best villains in the whole series. And God dammit do I find Mary Goodnight attractive, even though Bond treats her like crap. But then again, when Maud Adams enters a room, can you really say no? But yeah, this is a pretty sweet one-liner, which to give him credit, was something Moore could rattle off with a real charm and wit.
But for a great smooth line, just go to Sean Connery, my friend.....
4. James Bond: “Who are you?”
Pussy Galore: “My name is Pussy Galore.”
James Bond: “I must be dreaming....”
Mr. S. Oh Pussy Galore. You and your ridiculous double entendre name. She was the first Bond girl to have some sort of immunity to Bond’s charms (in the book this was because she was a lesbian but in the film it’s more vague) but eventually old Bond wears her down with one-liners like this. Sean Connery was never my favourite Bond, but to be honest, he probably got it on with some of the hottest girls in the whole series, with Honor Blackman being no exception. Even though you’re 86 Honor, you can give me a call any time.
LES: Honor Blackman is 86?...WOW! She really does look damn good for her age! As for the character, Pussy Galore is definitely in my top 6 Bond Girls list and the scenes between her and Bond are GOLDEN. Sean Connery was in his prime in this film and this line really hammers home that fact.
But how does the new Bond fare?.......
4. Vesper Lynd: "If there was nothing left of you but your smile and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve ever known"
James Bond: “That’s because you know what I can do with my little finger..”
LES: Actually, Bond’s got a LOT of great pickup lines in this one, but this is the one that gets him in bed with Vesper. ‘Nuff said LOL!
Mr S: Anything that gets Eva Green into bed is more than okay with me. God she is beautiful. Even though, I really, really hate Casino Royale. Fuckin “I don’t care”. YOUR MARTINI SHOULD BE SHAKEN GODDAMMIT!
3. Xenia Onatopp: “You don't need the gun.”
James Bond: “Well, that depends on your definition of safe sex.”
Mr. S: I like this line more because of its sheer hilarity more than anything else. Pierce Brosnan is someone I don’t really have a strong opinion of. He’s just okay. But God dammit this line made me chuckle. And well, Famke Janssen is just absolutely stunning. Too bad she never answered me on the numerous occasions I asked her out.
LES: Yeah, that scene was great!...and if you really want to get Famke..all you need to do is just.....Hee! Hee!...not telling!...that secret is simply too good to share, my friend...you can keep the other Bond Girls, but Xenia is mine LOL!.....
And now for a line from one-timer Lazenby, but two-timer player Bond....
3. Ruby Bartlet: “You Are funny pretending to not like girls”
James Bond(undercover as Sir Hillary Bray): “Usually I don’t, but you’re not usual. That lipstick was an inspiration, darling...and so are you."
(On Her Majesty's Secret Service)
LES: George Lazenby not only made history for being the James Bond who got married in his real life, but also for scoring with more girls in a single film than all the rest of the James Bond actors ever did. He used a variation of this line to score with 3 different girls in a single night.....now THAT’S A PLAYER, my friends.
Mr S: Oh George, you never stop the charm do you?
2. Plenty O'Toole: “Hi, I'm Plenty.”
James Bond: “But of course you are.”
(Diamonds Are Forever)
Mr. S: Diamonds Are Forever is awful. This line is brilliant. Sean Connery picked up where he left off, bringing back the smooth tongue and good looks that made him such a wonderful James Bond. And woah is Plenty O’Toole gorgeous, even though her character is UNBEARABLY stupid, much like most of the characters in the film. But at least she is the subject of one of the best one-liners in the whole series. However, my personal least favourite one-liner is in this film…
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette...
Tiffany Case: And which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collars and cuffs match.
Oh Good God.
LES: Yeah, I’ve gotta agree with you on all points. LOL! That second line you mentioned was even worse than Bond’s line in Goldfinger about drinking Don Peringnon unchilled being just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs!
However, Sean always delivered a great line the rest of the time....
2. Honey Ryder: "are you looking for shells?"
James Bond: "No, I'm just looking..."-(Dr. No)
LES: Sean Connery was always the coolest of the Bonds, and this line conveys so much sexual innuendo, it’s positively brilliant! Of course, Honey Ryder walking out of the Caribbean surf in that white bikini made it hard NOT to look at her, but Bond has such confidence delivering the line that it’s a classic.
Mr S: I also love this line. Honey Ryder is the first and one of the most memorable Bond girls, and she is certainly a beautiful woman. And if you saw her walking along a beach wearing a bikini, I’m sure you would gawk at her like an idiot as well.
And how about a great pickup line even though you’re going to score without it?...
1. Tatiana Romanova: “Thank you, but I think my mouth is too big.”
James Bond: “No, it's the right size... for me, that is.”
(From Russia With Love)
Mr. S: You would think that if you had a girl in your bed, completely naked but for a neckerchief, that the deal was basically done. You should just jump in and take her to pleasure town. But no, not for James Bond. He still takes the time to hit her with the best one-liner in the history of cinema. And God, Tatiana. She is so damn gorgeous that not even I, the Smoothmeister himself, would be able to say something as witty and charming as Bond does here.
LES: No kidding! You’ve gotta admire the cool that is Bond for doing that. This is James Bond at his classiest, my friend.
And for my final pick, James Bond at his sleaziest......
1. James Bond: "The cards say we are to be lovers."
Solitaire: "You are mistaken"
James Bond: "But you do believe...I mean, really believe in the cards, don't you?"
Solitaire "They've never lied to me before..." Bond fans the cards out like a Las Vegas dealer.
James Bond: "then they won't now...pick a card...." She does and “The Lovers” card comes up.
James Bond: "You knew what it would be before you turned it over...and strangely enough, so did I..."
(Live and Let Die)
LES: This is, hands down the dirtiest trick James Bond(Roger Moore) ever used to seduce a Bond Girl. Solitaire(Jane Seymour) is the Priestess of the Tarot who sees the future with perfect predictions...that is, as long as she remains a virgin. What makes this pickup line the dirtiest trick in the book occurs after they start to kiss following the quote. The camera pans down to the deck in James Bond’s hand and he spills the cards on the table showing that the deck was stacked with every card being “The Lovers.” That poor girl never had a chance.
Mr S: Ah, the old Tarot card trick. Definitely one of the best and most memorable lines in the Bond series, and so worth it. Solitaire is just so beautiful, even if there’s all of that crap about her having psychic powers which she’ll lose with her virginity. You knew as soon as it was mentioned that she was a virgin that James would get hold of her at some point. And what better way to do it than to trick her into it. Now that’s how you treat a woman.
LES: Well, it is if you’re Roger Moore backed by a great script LOL! Well Mr Smooth, thanks a lot for your help. I think we made a really great list. What now?
Mr S: WE DRINK TIL WE CAN’T FEEL FEELINGS ANY MORE!
*clinks glasses in tribute
LES: Works for me, my friend.
(Several drunken hours later, our heroes are feeling fine, and surrounded by hot women)
LES: Well, Mr Smooth that truly was an experience. Tell me, how do you know so much about the ladies?
Mr S: I don’t know anything Les, I just know what you know. I was a part of you all along…
(Rising crescendo as Mr Smooth moves his hand towards Les’s chest)
Mr S: Hah, only joking. Now, me and the triplets are away back to my hotel room. See you around buddy.
LES: LOL! Have fun, my friend. And thanks Manic fans for joining us for our look at James Bond’s best pick up lines. Did we miss your favorite? We’d love to know what lines you loved. Peace.
Hey! HE LEFT ME WITH THE DRINKS BILL! Sonofabitch.......