Greetings Manic Fans. Les here to begin a blog to chronicle all the gruesome details of a normal procedure that’s part of growing older so that you all might know what you’ve got to look forward to(I was considering an evil grin here, but will settle for a grim look of “yeah, this is going to happen, so prepare yourselves,” instead.....).
Yes, at 43 years old, yours truly is about to have his first colonoscopy
WOOT! YEAH! 3 CHEERS! FANTASTIC!!!
um....wait, what?.....what’s that?
Yep, for the uninitiated, a colonoscopy is a procedure where the doctors insert a fiber-optic camera on a cable strait up your rectum and take a movie of a trip right up your colon, intestines and all those yummy places where cancer might decide to set up a hotel. If they find polyps, they can remove them with electricity. If they find cancer, they can map it to see where they’ll need to concentrate treatment or go in later to remove it.
If you think of your digestive system kind of like a smaller version of the city sewer system, then a colonoscopy is very similar to doing a camera snake to find irregularities in a main line
It’s a regular precautionary, much like a mammogram or pap-smear is for the ladies, or a prostate exam is for the men....only longer, scarier and costlier, but I digress.....
You might ask, “Why are you getting one now, Les?”....well, I’m glad you asked. 2 reasons:
1. My Father had...er...has colon and intestinal cancer....he’s a tough old bird, so he’s kept it in check for over 8 years now(Not bad for a man pushing 72....). However, he’s used up his ability to take radiation and kemo-therapy treatments, so he’s going to lose the battle now...it’s just a question of when. He’s going to try and hang on for another 2 years so he can celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary with my mother-say a prayer that he succeeds if you are so inclined, my friends. Thanks.
2. I recently found blood when I wiped.....yeah, it’s freaky and frightening as hell. It might just be hemorrhoids(which I have had to deal with before)....but with the family history, it’s better to be safe than dead.....so....
With the support and urging of my best friend, Elle, I set up the consultation and went in for the preliminary interview.
Now, I’m going to be completely honest with you.....that waiting room was really depressing. I was easily the youngest man in it....by about 30-40 years! I have a pretty good imagination and a predilection for seeing doom and gloom when I get scared. Sitting there amongst the ailing senior citizens made me feel like my years were slipping away faster just by being there. I know we all get older, but do I have to be reminded of it? C’mon! I’m worried I might have to deal with a painfully debilitating disease here....don’t add the spectre of death to my mood!
Anyway......(Having fun yet?)
I was called in and given all the usual physical rituals...weight(GOOD LORD! DO I REALLY WEIGH 214 Lbs! ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!*make note to go on Weight Watchers as soon as possible....Elle was completely right about that...remember to thank her for being my best friend.....), blood pressure(excellent, as always
something is going right...gotta cling to that...), eyes, ears, reflexes, simple blood draw(I’m an expert at those, as I used to donate blood all the time*good feeling from being useful....). And then a long wait for the doctor to come in and give me all the good news.
*insert your own screen saver here for about 20 minutes* I played my iPhone game apps to pass the time....OH! If you haven’t played it, Disney has a great one called “Where’s my Perry?” Basically a Phineas and Ferb game, you help Perry the Platypus
get through underground hamster tunnels by moving water and steam through dirt and....oh...I'm getting off the subject here...sorry.....
The Doctor arrived
(No, not that Doctor, but that would’ve been AWESOME!!!!).
Nope! The quite human MD took me through the list of what was going to happen and the preparations I’d have to go through(mostly what I could or couldn’t eat at 10 days, 7 days, 5 days, 1 day before the procedure. Yeah....the clear fluid diet is going to suck....as is the medicine I’m going to have to take to forcibly expel everything that’s been sitting in my digestive tract for 30 years(kind of like the effect of eating buffalo wings, 3 bran muffins, drinking 2 regal beers and a large double espresso...with an EX-Lax chaser to top it off...yeah, that’s going to be a fun time.....yeah, I’m being extremely sarcastic here....)
There’s anesthesia involved(but not enough to completely knock me out as my participation is required to move a few times.......
...and I’ve gotta have a friend available to drive me and stay during the procedure.....”AW C’MON! Just find me a bed and I’ll sleep it off...I’M really good at sleeping, trust me! I never get enough!”....Damn! Hospital procedures forbid it....there goes another brilliant idea down the drain.......
So that’s the basic idea. I intend to do a running blog on this. From day 10 to ground zero...and anything that might come from it if I do have something dreadfully wrong. I’m doing this to help relieve my anxiety and also to share what could be a really significant moment in my life with you, one that you all might experience sooner or later in your lives. Thanks for reading, my friends. I’ll see you around the blog. Peace.