Manic Expression

Hey there everyone and welcome back to another edition of Up Late With Mr Smooth, aka, the show whose schedule has gone right the fuck out of the window, with me, your humble host, Mr Smooth. If you didn’t know that already, please leave now. I must apologise that these blogs have been coming out less and less frequently but as most of you will know, I’m a very busy man, what with my constant court appearances, constant week long love-making sessions, as well as the fact that I have a multi-million business to run. And no, I am no clearer as to what my business actually does either. But anyway, before you people start getting withdrawal symptoms from my miraculous advice, I’ve been looking over some of your questions and picked a select few to answer for you all today. So let’s get started.

1. My girlfriend is pregnant with my baby but I’ve been meeting my lover for secret sex. What should I do Mr Smooth? Marc Hunter.

Listen buddy, you’ve got to start taking responsibility for the life you’ve crea…yeah I can’t even finish that statement. Having kids isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. One minute you’re living a carefree life of drugs, alcohol and sex (especially the last part) then the next thing you know it, you’re at a PTA meeting discussing the merits of changing the colour of the wallpaper in your kid’s classroom from orange to beige. Just do the decent thing and run away with your lover, then sending alimony cheques once a month. If that’s not good parenting then what is?

2. I am having an affair with my boyfriend’s father. No one else knows but I constantly worry someone will discover our secret. What should I do Mr Smooth? Grace Knight

Oh you’re worried now. What happens if it turns out that your boyfriend really cares about you, and that when he finds about you and his father doing it that he has a minor psychotic breakdown, murders you both with an axe, then covers himself in both of your blood and dances around in one of your dresses before disposing of the bodies in a wood chipper? WHAT THEN?! Not that I ever did that. More than twice. (Lawyer's Note: Neither Mr Smooth nor anyone involved with Mr Smooth had anything to do with the Colorado Woodchipper Murders of 1978. He was on holiday that year.)

3. I HAD sex with my sister-in-law. I know it’s impossible for us to have an affair but I can’t get the sexual fantasies out of my head. What do you think I should do Mr Smooth? David Reyne

Well, undoubtedly, your sister-in-law is younger and hotter, and better in bed than your current wife. How do I know this? Because everyone fantasises about their wives hot little sister. I did it, you did it, everyone’s done it! And the fact that you did actually hit that means you want to have another taste of honey, thus increasing your fantasies. My advice? Get rid of the wife and just flee to Mexico with the hot sister. If you want, you can tell your wife first but, a word of advice, don’t do it when there’s a loaded shotgun lying on the table in front of her. Yes, having a younger, hotter girlfriend is great, but it does not make up for losing your left arm.

4. My girlfriend says she loves me but finds it difficult to feel sexy with meas she only gets turned on by the thrill of meaningless sex with other men. Can you help me Mr Smooth? Jon Stevens

Listen, if you are unable to get a woman in the sexy place, then you have failed as a man. It would probably be best for yourself and the female population if you just threw yourself off of a cliff. This may seem a little harsh but it’s true. If you can’t make it with a woman, you really are a pointless human being, and we’d be better off without you. And eh…SMUT!

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this little blog of mine, and hopefully you’ll tune in next time…whenever that is. As always, leave me your questions and opinions, and I’ll get one of my admin staff to get back to you on my behalf. Catch you all next time and much love.