Manic Expression

Hello one and all, and welcome back to Smooth Mansion with me, the Centurion of Coitus, the Governor of Gettin’ Down To Business, Mister Smooth. I know this dose of Smooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooth has been somewhat delayed, but I had very good reason! You see, my beloved cat Kitler died very suddenly when a former girlfriend of mine ran her over seventeen times in her Humvee. FUCKING WHOREFACED FUCKING WHORE BITCH CUNT! KITLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!! I’m sorry, but it seems I’m not entirely over my brief psychotic breakdown. But, I’ve decided to press on with this blog, which brings so much joy to so many people (a whole 4!), because that’s what Kitler would have wanted. Keep on shining you crazy diamond. Anyway, I’ve received many a many question from you fine people and I’ve decided to answer a few of them here for you now. Let’s get started;

1. I found videos on my girlfriend’s computer of her having raunchy sex with her ex, who was a woman. Is it wrong of me to besome what perturbed by this?

Eh dude, did you miss the point here? YOUR GIRLFRIEND USED TO GO OUT WITH A WOMAN AND FILMED THEM HAVING SEX?! Get this woman involved in your sex life man. There is nothing better than the feeling of taking on two sex opponents at the one time, especially if they are two fine looking women. Oh I’ve been there many a time. And I’m telling you, the feeling is great. Then again, not as good as the time I had 7 women atone time.

2. I’ve had sex with my best friend and want a relationship, but I am scared if I push her it could ruin our friendship. What should I do Mr Smooth?

Come on now man, relationships fucking suck dude! I wish I was back in my younger days when I just had sex with woman after woman after woman after woman etc. And if I’ve learned anything buddy, it’s that relationships with good friends NEVER EVER work out. Sure, it starts off fine and then before you know it she’s sleeping with your former manservant (who was accidentally decapitated by a falling  piece of glass), stealing your money to buy heroin and then shows up dead in your swimming pool. And you didn’t even murder this one! Jesus, the day I spent in jail for that one really sucked. Although Steve The Rapist and me did get on pretty well.

3. I have a high sex drive and I’m a good-looking lad, so I don’t have any trouble getting girls. The problem is I can’t hang on to a relationship. I’ve had 24 in the last four years. Can you give me some advice to hold on to a lady Smoothmeister?

You sound like me when I was young, going through all the ladies without ever holding onto one for more than a fortnight. But long-term relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. After a few months they just get so boring. Just having sex with one woman over and over again. And then they have the nerve to get mad at you just because you had sex with their hot Chinese friend? Wait, monogamy is in? Well fuck that shit, I’ll just enjoy my orgies thank you very much. Anyway, as I say, just keep going with the no commitment thing, then you may well be on the road to being another Mister Smooth. And God knows we need more of them.

4. I kissed a girl when I was very drunk and what started as a silly kiss turned into a massive affair and has become very serious. A year ago I would have left my wife for her as I fell out of love with my wife ages ago, but now she is pregnant and this leaves me in a massive mess. What should I do Mister Smooth?!

Leave your wife. Once a baby comes out of her secret garden then there is no salvaging it. Why not just keep going with this hotter, younger and more sexually active woman? I mean, who wouldn’t do that? What’s that you say? That it’s the decent thing to do? Does decency get you laid? No. Bye bye wife, hello life of shallow and unfulfilling sex.

Well, I hope you all enjoyed this little blog of mine. As always, leave your comments and questions and I’ll get back to you, or at least my receptionist will get back to you pretending to be me. Let me leave you with a little chat up line of mine “You don’t need a degree in being sexy, you’ve already got a PhD.” Thank you all and good night.