|Posted by Mr. Smooth on May 9, 2012 at 4:20 PM|
Isn’t the expression “Be the bigger man” a load of bullshit? Who wants to be the bigger man, let’s all just be petty, pathetic, hate-filled human beings, like me! Yes, it is I, Mister Smooth, and I’ve decided to do something a little bit different this week. Basically, instead of answering your questions or doling out brilliant advice, I’m going to tell you all a little story. And seeing as I’m pushing 82 this year, I will have many, many stories to tell. But first of all, let’s take a look back at when I attempted to “be the bigger man” and failed miserably.
It all happened a few months ago. I had been seeing this girl for a few months, and given that I’m an older man now (even though thanks to plastic surgery and voodoo I look not a day past 20) and I was thinking of settling down. So we had a few dates, had sexual intercourse a few dozen times (which was certainly above average) and things were going pretty great. Things weren’t very serious, but I thought there could be a little room for moving things forward into more serious territory. But then one day she turned around to me and said she wasn’t interested at all in being in a serious relationship with me and that it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I was completely inconsolable for about 15 minutes such was the pain in my heart. I didn’t really take it that well, although on reflection I probably shouldn’t have killed her cat.
So I was a little bit pissed off about the whole break up thing but I still retained hope we would get back together, or at least just be sex buddies, so I tried my best to be friendly towards her. So one day I was hanging about the mansion when I decided to log onto my Facebook (yes, Mister Smooth has Facebook, it is the 20th Century after all) and to my horror, the bitch had changed her relationship status to IN A RELATIONSHIP. Blocked and deleted. And I blew her car up. With her mother inside it. Again, something which I regret. But as time went by I eventually kind of got over it, mainly thanks to a binge of drugs and prostitutes.
Then, one day, she sent me one of those “friend requests” and I thought, what the hell, maybe me and her could be friends or something, still sort of grasping to the sex buddies idea, because that is the only thing that men ever want from women. To be honest we didn’t really speak that much, mainly because I was busy with running a multi-national business and whatnot. Haha, not really, I was in a scotch and heroin induced walking coma. But then one day, I checked her page and…SHE WAS IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. Blocked and deleted. This time, I felt that my firebombing of her house was entirely justified. She said she didn’t want any kind of relationship, yet as soon as ol’ Smooth is out of the picture, she jumps into one with two different fuckers, who are clearly nowhere near as manly as me. FUCK HER!
Eventually, I came to the conclusion that maybe it was me in that was in the wrong. After a conversation with my good friend and manservant Winston (who I have now given a spiffy pair of mechanical hands), I decide that maybe I would bite the bullet and ask her to be friends with me again. Yes, it was an attempt by me to “BE THE BIGGER MAN”. So she accepted and I go onto her Facebook page and there was something horrible awaiting me. All over the fucking place was this sappy prick posting “I love you” “love love love” and every fucking connotation of the word love, and this stupid whoreface was just lapping up this complete fucking bullshit. That’s when I came to the conclusion that being the bigger man is complete crap. It only ends up making you look like a complete fucking idiot, and from now on, I’m just going to be a petty bastard, because that’s what I’m good at.
Sorry if it turned into a bit of a rant nearer the end but I thought that would be an interesting little tale for all of your consumptions. As ever, if you have any comments, questions or similar experiences to share then please do so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have that lady tied up in my basement. If I can’t make her love me through conventional means, I’ll just torture her into loving me. See you all next time.
Categories: Mr. Smooth's Smoothatorium