Manic Expression

Another day gone, another five movies watched. Some of them were good, some of them were pretty shit, some of them were unbelievably awesome and one of them was the most hilariously bad film I have ever seen. So I thought I would take some time out of my busy day to talk about all of these films, sort of like six miniature reviews in one. Let's go!

Avengers Assemble

What can I really say about this film that hasn't already been said? Its amazing and I enjoyed every single minute of it. I hadn't seen any of the films leading up to this one apart from the first Iron Man (which was also awesome) so I was really pleasantly surprised by some of the performances, especially that of Chris Evans. I'll be honest and say I hated him in Fantastic Four, but now he was a great Captain America, maybe even surpassing Reb Brown as my favourite Captain America actor. He was great, and so were Robert Downey Jr and Mark Ruffalo (surprisingly). Chris Hemsworth was okay, not the best but I certainly thought he was believable as Thor. Of course, Samuel L Jackson was a complete fucking badass, and so was Hawkeye, which was my favourite part of the movie. Hawkeye has always been my favourite Marvel character and the fact that he was such a fucking badass made me so happy that I could cry (although WHERE WAS HIS SKYCYCLE?!). Tom Hiddleston was also surprisingly brilliant as Loki, showing that you don't have to have a physical presence to make a great comic book movie villain. He has a real intimidating presence for some reason, and he stole almost every scene he was in. The plot was pretty standard alien invasion fare but there were so many unbelievable set pieces in this film that the plot wasn't all that important. Also, the quieter moments were great, and there was the death of one supporting character that almost brought a tear to my eye it was so tragic. A must see.

Shark Night

Why do I keep watching fucking shark movies? Good God. But at least I can safely say that this is probably the best shark film that I have seen (I haven't seen Jaws before you all kill me) and even at that this film was still pretty bad. Basically, a group of sexually promiscuous college teens go to a remote island resort for sun, sea and gratuitous shots of women's asses. However, one of the group gets their arm bitten off by a shark, which of course, scares them a little bit. They try to get him to a nearby hospital but of course, they start getting killed by sharks. There is also a really strange, eh, "plot twist" where it turns out that the sharks were put into the lakes by....REDNECKS!!! Yeah, it didn't make much sense to me either. But anyway, it turns out they are filming people being killed by the sharks with tiny camera's attached to the sharks (how they managed to attach them is one of the many, many plot holes of this film) and then selling it to people. Yes, this story is complete balls, I'm glad you agree with me. This film isn't as bad as Mega Shark in Malibu (let alone Megashark vs Giant Octopus) but its still completely stupid. Terrible acting, terrible dialogue, kind of funny shark CGI and a paper thin and completely insane villainous plot, but it is a semi-enjoyably bad movie. I personally wouldn't watch it again, but if you're a fan of shark movies, then by all means, watch this movie. If not, please stay away.

Machete

Well, this film was completely awesome. I didn't enjoy it as much as I enjoyed Hobo With A Shotgun (except for the fucking child murder) mainly due to the annoying political subtext, and the fact that Jessica Alba may be totally hot, but she is a totally shit actress (What does "THE BORDER CROSSED US!" even mean?!) but apart from those two flaws, I did really really enjoy this movie. Its violent, gory, exploitative and has Steven Seagal in it, THIS IS MY KIND OF MOVIE! Althoug I'm not really sure why Steven Seagal had a katana, other than the fact he's fucking Steven Seagal. But anyway, the plot is that Machete is hired by a mysterious man in a suit to assassinate a right wing Texan senator, only to be betrayed and goes on a murderous rampage of revenge. And yes, lots of people get killed with machete's. And yes, it is awesome. One of my favourite parts of this film was the Mexican priest taking out a squad of highly trained hitmen using two shotguns. And the part where Lindsay Lohan dresses up as a nun and carries a gigantic revolver. Good God this film was awesome. If you like exploitation then you really should watch this film, because this film is fucking awesome. I know I've used the word awesome about five times, but thats what this film is. AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!!!

Predator 2

Not as good as the first one. That's just about all I can say about this film. I kind of liked it, but there were also things about it that I kind of hated. One of them is that Danny Glover's character acts like a fucking psychopath for most of the movie. He ignores orders, attacks superior officers, is this guy meant to be likeable? And he's not exactly in the best physical shape to be honest. I just don't like him anywhere near as much as I like Ahnold. Also, what was the point of Bill Paxton's character in this film? To be an annoying douchebag who gets killed thus giving Glover a reason to go after the Predator? And since when was the LA drug trade controlled by Colombians and Jamaican Voodoo Posses? Bah, this film fucking bugged me. Probably because the first Predator was one of my favourite films of all time. But at least the action was kind of good, and we got more of a look at the Predator society whilst still maintaing some of the mystery that surrounds the species (also, the Xenomorph skull on the wall was awesome) and it was cool to see the Predator using all of these fancy new weapons like a net and a spinny blade thing. A pretty good film, just a shame its not a patch on the original.

Ninja Terminator

This was the absolute peak of my evening's entertainment. This film was simply so terrible and so god-damn inept that it ended up being absolutely great. Basically, three ninja's steal the three segments of the GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR (it must always be spoken of in the uppercase) from the evil (?) Ninja Empire, each going their seperate ways. Three years later, one of them turns up dead and the other two are involved in a frantic chase to recover his piece of the GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR before the other does, seeing as having all three pieces at once give you supreme ninja power. Or something. As if this film has a coherent plot. Anywa, Ninja Master Harry hires his man Jaguar Wong to see if his former comrades sister knows anything about his piece of the GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR who is also tracked by the other ninja's underling Tiger Lee. After about a million training montages and kung fu fights they come to an exciting conclusion where the three ninja's must fight to the death in order to recover the entirety of the GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR and thus gain its unlimited power. Yeah, this film makes no sense, is badly acted, badly dubbed and, if you don't know what a Godfrey Ho ninja film is like, is two films clumsily spliced together to make one incoherent mess. The Hong Kong film is clearly some sort of martial arts comedy and clearly has nothing to do with a GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR. But good God it is so gloriously bad that it ends up being a once in a lifetime experience. You must watch this film if you wish to have a true understanding of the So Bad It's Good concept. The best 99p I've ever spent on a movie.