Manic Expression

Hello one and all and welcome to this new edition of Up Late with me, everyones favourite loveable rascal, Mister Smooth. Since I last posted a new one of these, I've moved websites to here, the terrific Manic Expression, because to be honest, they need a bit of star power, and who better than the Smoothmeister himself. As always, I've been inundated with questions (by which I mean I've received a whole four) and so I'm going to take time out of my busy schedule to answer them here. So let's begin:

1. My sister-in-law caught me and my mother-in-law having sex and I'm terrified she'll tell my wife. What should I do Mister Smooth?! Eldridge Needy

Dammit man, you should never have given your sister-in-law the chance to catch you with your mother-in-law, although kudos, as my marriages have never lasted long enough for me to be able to cheat with my mother-in-law. When you have an affair, you should do it in a neutral location, like a hotel room or the garden shed, unless you wanted to get caught. Maybe so that your sister-in-law could join in as well? Well unless you look like me, that will never, ever happen. I mean, when I cheat on my current girlfriend, I do it a lot more discreetly, I don’t shout it from the rooftops or blog about it on the internet. Wait, honey, put down the gun. Come on. Wait, NO!…

2. My wife was hot and eager all the time until we got married. Since our first night she doesn't want sex at all. Is there anything I can do to change this dire situation Mister Smooth? Shad Jacobsohn

Such is the way with marriage my friend. Sure, when you start dating you’re doing it every day, every which way but loose, but for some reason as soon as that wedding ring goes on, she’s just like “Honey, please, I’m not in the mood this evening” or she’s too tired, or she invites people around when you plan your love-making. God-dammit, no man should have to plan his love-making, it should just happen when and when he wants it. Good God it sends me into a murderous rage. And no, that is not why I murdered my fifth wife, that was because I was high on cocaine and alcohol. And I served my month of community service for my crime. Isn’t that enough for you people?!

3. I found out my husband was cheating on me. That was heartbreak enough but then he told me his lover's a man. What should I do Mister Smooth?! Georgene Irigoyen

Well, let’s be honest. If you’re so repulsive that you managed to turn your husband gay, then you should probably just give up on men altogether. I mean, it’s genuinely quite an impressive feat, I’ve never known a woman to turn a man gay. Well, my college girlfriend nearly did that to me, but I just put it down as an experimental phase and went on to be the greatest lover in the history of the universe. Any of you ladies after 10 – 15 minutes of wondrous love-making, just give me a call. Although if you wish to discuss this further Georgene we'd be best to do it in my waterbed.

4. I had a night of unprotected passion at my mate's birthday party with his mum. She is now pregnant and worried the baby might be mine. What should I do Mister Smooth?! Lynwood Angermeier

Leave the country, change your identity and change you face. Children are never a good thing, unless you have a large diamond mine which requires lots of tiny hands in order to pry loose those smaller diamonds, or in order to repair heavy machinery. I know this is what some of you may call “Cruelty to children” but they’re my children and my property, so I can do what I want with them.

Well thank you one and all for reading, and if you wish to ask me any questions, then please, do not hesitate. Thank you all very much, and of course, much love.