|Posted by Chris Lang on August 12, 2012 at 5:20 PM|
Welcome back to my countdown of the Top Six WTH Moments in Bad Fanfic. Here, I will give my top six picks of some of the craziest moments in bad fanfiction.
Last time, we covered three notoriously bad fanfics, and three moments that were incredibly weird even in context. How do we top Star Trek being real, Sonic video games and comics existing in the Sonic universe, and a Twilight fic featuring a talking panda who can drive a car? Let's find out, shall we?
#3 Platinum Billy, from 'Face the Strange' by Dallas Philpott aka Dally
Say what you will about beckymac666 and her fic 'Forbiden Fruit: The Temptation of Edward Cullen', but at least she's not homophobic. Her Mary Sue character is perfectly accepting of Jasper being gay, and Snoofles the panda being gay, and even sets them up on a date with another gay man.
The same, alas, cannot be said of the author of 'Face the Strange'. This fic is a crossover fic involving a Mary Sue named Dally who, as the story begins, enrolls in Hogwarts with her close friend Edward Cullen. When they arrive, they meet Hiei of Yu Yu Hakusho and Shadow the Hedgehog of the Sonic games. Later on, Link of Legend of Zelda shows up, and most of these guys, and Draco, fall for Dally (as one might expect in a Mary Sue fic). All of them attend Hogwarts for no reason that makes sense.
Over the course of the fic, we find out that Mystique of the X-Men is Dally's mother, who passes along magic powers. And then the fic turns ugly when Dumbledore is revealed to be a pedophile, and everyone calls him homophobic slurs that I will not repeat here. Mystique and Dumbledore become the villains of what becomes a hateful, misogynistic, homophobic, and downright stupid story.
But one especially bizarre moment is when Dally's various boyfriends need to save her through love. Edward and Hiei have to put aside their differences to save Dally, because the two people who love Dally the most have to mix together. What does 'mix together' mean? Well, since the author's a clear homophobe, it's clearly NOT in the slash fic sense.
No, instead they do this spell where they merge together into one being: Let me quote the scene below.
“SIIIOOOONNNNN” said Edward. “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !” they said in unison.
BAM! They mixed together to form…. PLATINUM BILLY!
It was Billy Martin (from Good Charlotte) with platinum blonde hair. "Omg.." said Sasuke, "That's SO wrong... but sooo hot!"
So Edward Cullen from Twilight and Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho merge together to become a lookalike of a musician from the band Good Charlotte. Yeah, that makes perfect sense ... wait, no it doesn't!
Anyway, the merger only lasts a short while. Then Hagrid and Shadow are killed by Dumbledore and Mystique, and Platinum Billy reverts back to Edward and Hiei. The story goes on and on for some time, with more sexism, homophobia, out of character behavior, and stupidity. While some might say this story is so bad it's good, I'd have to put it on my So Bad It's Horrible list.
I have heard that the writer wrote this intentionally trying to write the worst fanfic ever. Well, it certainly ranks up there as among the worst I've ever encountered.
Enough of that. I've got two more bad stories I need to talk about, and thus give them the attention they don't deserve.
#2 Ash gouges his eye out from 'Pikapoon' by Richi12345
Do you REALLY want to know what this Pokemon fic is about? You don't, trust me. Well, let me put it this way: In the world of fan fiction, any character can be 'shipped' (i.e. romantically paired with) any other character, even if the pairing makes no sense (crack pairing). And this means ANY character with ANY character. Even a human character from Pokemon and a Pokemon electric rodent.
This story lets us know what we're in for when the author's note tells us that though canonically Ash Ketchum's Pikachu is a male, in the story Pikachu is female for 'sexual purposes'. Yes, this is a fic about Ash and Pikachu 'doing it'... excuse me while I take a quick trip to the bathroom.
SOUND FX: Vomiting, flushing toilet, running water.
All right. Anyway, what I said above is just about all that happens in the fic. They do it and then nine months later Pikachu gives birth to a half human/half Pokemon hybrid. But as if that wasn't disgusting and stupid enough, right before the 'doing it' scene that comprises most of the fic, Ash proves his love for Pikachu ... by gouging one of his eyes out. EEW!
I'm not going to quote any portion of this fic. It's so disgusting that it doesn't deserve it. Anyway, now that I think about it, the whole fic is a WTH moment.
On to something else that's disturbing and wrong for different reasons. So, what is number one on the countdown?
#1 A certain moment in the climax of 'Goku and Anne Frank in - Until the End of Time'
Like the Fanfic Critic, Bennett the Sage, and nearly everyone else who's run across this fic, I find the existance of this fic baffling. Why on Earth was this written? Surely the writer had to know that, unlike Dragonball Z, 'The Diary of Anne Frank' was a true story.
Anne Frank was a young Jewish girl who wrote her diary while hiding with her family from the Nazis. Eventually she was captured, taken to a concentration camp ... and died there. Her family later found her diary. All this is a true story, and not some made-up World War II drama like Casablanca. So why cross this over with Dragonball Z, an anime series involving super-powered beings fighting each other?
Then again, maybe I shouldn't be surprised this fic exists. We DO live in a world where not one, but two Italian filmmakers thought making animated movies about the Titanic featuring talking mice and dolphins (one of which has a rapping dog, the other has a giant octopus who saves the lives of everyone on the ship and thus insults the 1500 people who died in the disaster) was a good idea. So if THEY could see the James Cameron movie 'Titanic' and think it was good 'mockbuster' material, then I suppose some fanfic writer could think 'The Diary of Anne Frank' was good for crossing over with a fantasy-action anime series.
Well, anyway Anne Frank is in hiding from the Nazis in the secret annex when Son Goku appears before her. It's not long before they fall for each other, and Goku is fighting Nazis on her behalf. Eventually they head to Berlin for a showdown with Adolf Hitler himself.
So far the story has been wrong on a number of levels: It's historically inacurate, it romantically pairs an anime protagonist with a real young girl who died in a concentration camp, and it basically shows that the writer doesn't care about any of this. But here, in the climax, is where the story really goes crazy.
Goku makes short work of the Nazis and the tanks, leaving him and Hitler to face each other one-on-one. After avoiding Hitler's chaingun, Goku is ready to finish Hitler off, when Hitler begins to change. His hair turns blond, his eyes turn blue. The following quote says it all:
"You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!”
Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.
I'm at a loss for words here. I know this is a crossover with Dragonball Z but ...
Okay. Nuff said. Now THAT is THE Number One WTH Moment in a Bad Fanfic. I don't think you can top that one.
Of course, this two-part Top Six list is subjective. There are probably lots of fanfics I'm not aware of that have crazy moments like the ones above, and other people will probably pick different choices. But these are the ones I felt stood out enough.
Anyway, that's all for this list. Feel free to leave your comments below.